


to love again

by rcogmz



Series: the art of eunoia [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Body Image, Bulimia, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Heartbreak, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Psychological Trauma, Purging, Separation Anxiety, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:28:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27947567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rcogmz/pseuds/rcogmz
Summary: TW: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THE TAGS LISTED ABOVE!! I WILL ADD A SUMMARY AFTER EVERY CHAPTER!!----Please don't let me lose anyone else.
Series: the art of eunoia [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929361
Kudos: 3





	to love again

**Author's Note:**

> [song rec; insecurities by jess glynne]  
> summary at the bottom

She looked down at her legs. She had recently bought new jeans and while she thought they fit her good, others had different opinions.

  
  


“The jeans are tight. Too tight.”

“If you hadn’t gained weight they would fit.”

“You can’t expect to wear the same size from last year.”

“Your hips got wider. If you keep eating junk you won’t be able to wear cute things.”

  
  


The girl sighed and shimmied out of the jeans. She didn't know if her “friends” were just jealous or if she actually got fatter.

Walking to her bathroom, she dug around the cabinet under the sink for something she should have thrown away a long time ago. She took out a weight and set it down gently on the floor. Holding her breath, she stepped onto it.

120 pounds. One hundred twenty  _ freaking  _ pounds.

The girl inhaled sharply, tears stinging her eyes. Her friends aren't jealous. They were just pointing out one of her many flaws. Now that she knew she gained weight, she had to deal with it properly.

With a sigh, she slid her shirt off; she wouldn't want to stain it. She slowly bent down in front of the waiting toilet bowl and took a deep breath. No matter how many times she's done it, it never got easier.

She lifted her shaking fingers to her mouth and tentatively opened it. Tears formed at the edge of her eyes and threatened to fall. She hated hurling up her food. Her fingers reached down her throat to force the food to come up. 

Her dinner had consisted of chicken with a side of potatoes and corn; they were easy to throw up. She had been doing this for years now, she even had a list of what foods were easier to bring up than others. She could be considered a pro. A foul, disgusting pro that can forcefully expulse the contents of her stomach. If anyone ever found out about her dirty little secret, she would be seen as repulsive. 

Shivering, she shoved her fingers deeper into her throat. Her gag reflexes kicked in. Her body curled forward, she started salivating more. She clenched her eyes tightly; she never wanted this for herself, but she couldn't help what other people thought of her. She just wanted to fit in, but when you're a pretty face, that's all they'll ever see. 

Now crying, she knotted her fist from her other hand and punched herself in the stomach. Her body flew forward, her fingers in her throat. She gagged and felt nauseous. Her stomach started contracting violently, and everything was forced up and out. 

She lurched forward and her hands flew forward to grip the edge of the toilet bowl. Yellow acid mixed with partially digested chunks of chicken spewed out of her coughing, choking mouth. Something resembling the potatoes she vaguely remembered eating was dribbling down her chin, covered in creamy chyme.

_ If you don't take care of your body, you'll never be worthy enough for a man. _

Her mother’s words rang in her ears. Her mother had caught her doing this when she was in her second year of high school. Instead of offering help, she sneered and left her daughter drowning in her own vomit.

The girl’s head swirled with everything her mother would tell her.

  
  


_ You aren't tall enough. _

_ Eat less, you are not a pig. _

_ Did you really think you'd be the same size after eating all that?  _

_ Disgusting. _

_ You'll ruin your teeth like that, who would want to kiss you with a rotten mouth? _

_ You'll never be enough. _

  
  


She retched until only clear liquid was coming up. The pungent stench invaded her nostrils and she heaved even though there was nothing left to go. Her throat felt sore from the stomach acid that was layering it and her mouth tasted of vomit. Some of it was still trailing from her lips, viscous and opaque.

She wiped at her mouth, acidic residue forming a shiny patch on her pale skin. Leaning forward, she flushed the toilet and tried to stand. Her knees wobbled, and she would've been on the floor if she hadn't gripped the edge of the bathroom counter in time. She felt light headed and met her eyes in the mirror’s reflection. She cringed at the sight of herself; her usually impeccable hair was everywhere, her dark eyes looked distant. Caustic fluid covered her full lips and she had some patches of it on her cheeks. Seeing herself was too much for her to handle. She lifted her fists and started slamming the mirror until it shattered. 

Sobbing, she sunk to her knees. There was no one to fetch her a glass of water or offer to clean up the mess. The stomach-acid stench of vomit filled her nostrils. She surveyed the mess with watery eyes and her stomach dry-heaved again. Her mouth flew up to cover her mouth. Accidentally knocking her head, the girl remembered what her older brother once said to her when she was in the midst of an anxiety attack.

_ “It's okay, Shiyo-chan. No matter what Mom says, you'll always be enough for me. You're beautiful. You don't need her approval. As long as you feel good about yourself, you can survive in this world.” She sniffed and met her brother’s eyes, “I’m not even sure how I feel about myself.” Fuji smiled and ruffled his little sister’s head affectionately, “Wanna know what I think when I see you?” She hesitated, but nodded enthusiastically, “Well, when I look at you I see a strong woman. Someone who knows her virtues and ideals. Someone who can carry herself to great distances. I see a girl with great worth.”  _

_ The girl didn’t know she was crying until her older brother wiped her cheeks. Fuji softened at the sight of his little sister, “I love you Shiyo-chan. Don't you ever forget that. You'll always have me. And always remember, I believe in you.” The girl couldn't stop herself from throwing herself into her older brother’s arms. Sobbing, she hugged him tightly. And Fuji hugged her back. They stayed like that for a while, until Fuji had to go to work. He pressed a kiss on his little sister’s forehead, and with one last squeeze he got left out the front door.  _

_ As he was unlocking his car, a pair of slender arms attacked him from the back. Turning around, he saw his little sister’s face streaming with tears. He looked at her fondly and embraced her. “Thank you, Fuji. This… Your words mean a lot to me. Thank you. I love you so much Fuji.” He smiled and kissed the top of her head, “Don't you ever forget my words. I love you Shiyo-chan.” And with those parting words, Fuji got into his car and drove off to his office. _

_ He never made it.  _

Her heart broke at the memory. If she had delayed him for just a couple of more minutes, her brother would still be alive. Her brother would be here with her at this very moment, comforting her. Her brother would be here and he would keep her grounded. Her heart ached for his warmth.

_ I miss you Fuji. _

Her phone rang, the sound echoing off the bathroom walls. Groaning, she reached for her phone and her eyes widened at the caller ID. Answering quickly, she raised the phone to her ear. 

“Hello?... Yes this is her, how may I help you?”

A strangled gasp left her lips, her phone slipping out of her hand. The caller gave her instructions, but she couldn't breathe. Hands now shaking, she lifted the phone with both hands and remained quiet, listening to the instructions the doctor was giving her. 

“Okay thank you so much, Doctor. I'll be right over.” She hung up the phone and jumped up to her feet. Her head was spinning, but she didn't care. She quickly sent a text to one of her closest friends and then began cleaning herself up. There was only one thing on her mind.

_ Please don't let me lose anyone else.  _

**Author's Note:**

> [summary; A girl finds out she weighs more than what she previously did so she throws her food back up. In the process of that she remembers her brother’s kind words towards her. She gets a strange but important phone call and once she hangs up she texts someone and starts cleaning herself up, hoping she doesn't lose anyone else. ]


End file.
